Happy New Year! I’m so glad 2020 is behind us, although starting 2021 with an ice storm wasn’t really my idea of a great way to start the year. On a positive note, the ice and snow in the bushes and trees outside my window is very pretty.
So, this is the time when I see a lot of my friends choosing their word for the coming year. You know what I’m talking about; even I’ve done it the last year or two. This year, I can’t. Looking back at 2020 and the grief we’ve dealt with here, I’m overwhelmed with all the words, all those super positive sounding words: strength, patience, courage, peace, blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong—I love the idea. But I’m just not there yet. I’m still treading water after losing my mom. I’m still waking up every morning wondering if I really need to get out of bed. I’m still making myself put one foot in front of the other and thinking oh, okay, I’m doing this, and then getting hit with soul-crushing grief by the tiniest things. I don’t know, maybe that means my word is survive. Cope. Keep moving. Keep breathing. Although at times, it feels like my word is cry. Sleep. Numb.
The thing is, I am doing things other friends are doing to start the new year. I am trying to exercise. I turn 50 this year, and gosh, I’d love to be healthy and feeling good when that happens! Not to mention that exercise does help to clear my mind. And I’m currently catching up on Grace and Frankie—where was I when that bus went by? I’m trying to make time to relax and meditate/pray every day. I have a hard time sitting still with my own thoughts. When I try, I tend to slide into plotting mode, because making stuff up is easier than listening to my own thoughts, in my own voice. I’m reading, and I’m trying to expand my reading material this year—maybe a little nonfiction here and there. And, as always, I’m plotting new stories and building a publishing schedule for 2021.
Friends tell me to give myself some grace. It’s only been 2 months since Mom passed away. I try to remind myself that when I get angry, frustrated with myself for feeling emotionally paralyzed. For not having the energy to do all these great things I want to do. I’ll find that walking routine I’m missing right now. I’ll get back to writing full time. I’ll get outside more when the weather is warmer and sunny, and I’ll do more outside. In the meantime, I’ll get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other and remember my wonderful mom and take comfort knowing she’s at peace.
I wish you all a happy, healthy 2021~